Space Dye Vest
by James McConnor
Summary: Tomoyo reflects on her current relationship with Meiling...her past relationship with Sakura, which still haunts her...and the hope that she still clings to, despite the pain it brings...*songfic*


Falling through pages of Martens on angels  
  
feeling my heart pull west  
  
I saw the furture dressed as a stranger  
  
love in a space dye vest  
  
Tomoyo sat up in bed wearily. Yet another night had passed, bringing for her no sleep. She glanced over at the sleeping figure next to her; Meiling really was a beautiful girl, but she couldn't help thinking about how hard it was to make their relationship work.  
  
The soft beeping of her answering machine brought her back to reality. No doubt, Sakura had called her...again. Without much difficulty, she remembered clearly the events that led to her current state.  
  
FLASHBACK - A few months after Li returns to Hong Kong.  
  
Sakura sat back, nervously.  
  
Tomoyo brought her hand slowly to her lips. "Sakura-chan...?"  
  
"Gomenasai, Tomoyo-chan. I...I think I'm in love...with you."  
  
For Tomoyo, all time stopped. "M...me?"  
  
Sakura merely nodded, blushing a deep scarlet.  
  
"W...what about Li-kun?"  
  
"I...I need someone close to me...Li-kun, he doesn't hold me...the way you do. Both in your arms, and in your eyes..."  
  
Every one of Tomoyo's defenses wilted at this confession, and she collapsed in Sakura's arms, weeping softly. "I love you, I love you, I love you...Sakura..."  
  
TWO YEARS LATER - after Li returns from Hong Kong.  
  
Sakura smiled as brightly as she could. "Oh, I knew you'd understand, Tomoyo-chan! You really are my best friend in the whole wide world!"  
  
Tomoyo was instantly flooded with an emotion for Sakura that she never knew she had...bitterness. Still, her masks kept up. "Of course, Sakura-chan...I only want what makes you happiest." She smiled, a false, dead smile, devoid of any feeling, and said quietly, "I pray for your and Li-kun's happiness, every day of my life."  
  
Sakura smiled brightly. "And we'll be praying for your happiness too!"  
  
But, Tomoyo had already left.  
  
PRESENT  
  
Love is an act of blood and I'm bleeding  
  
a pool in the shape of a heart  
  
Beauty projection in the reflection  
  
always the worst way to start  
  
There Tomoyo lay...a broken shell of a woman. Sakura sobbed quietly on the answering machine, begging for her friend to answer the phone. Begging for comfort after she and Syaoran had broken up. Angrily, Tomoyo yanked the plug out of the wall.  
  
Tears streamed down her face, but she was careful to remain silent. That day Sakura had up and left her for Syaoran was the day where she left her heart out in the open. Vulnerable and frail, it was seemingly tossed against a brick wall without a care in the world. Tomoyo smiled a bitter smile. That was Sakura...naieve through and through. Completely unaware of how her actions made others feel...inside.  
  
After that day, she had locked herself in her room for a solid week, refusing any visitors, including her mother. She spent much of the time crying, but even more time lost in the turmoil of feelings her life had been.  
  
She had no doubt now that Sakura had hurt her. Yet...she also had no doubt that, if given the chance, Sakura could win her heart again in a second. She couldn't let that happen. She couldn't let herself be happy, for fear of it leading, once again, to her greatest unhappiness.  
  
Now that you're gone I'm trying to take it  
  
learning to swallow the rage  
  
Found a new girl I think we can make it  
  
as long as she stays on the page  
  
Tomoyo and Meiling had clung to each other shortly afterward, almost afraid to be left alone for the rest of their lives. Meiling would never admit it, however. Her initiation and constant leading of their relationship solidified Tomoyo's belief that she wasn't worthy of true happiness. She had to be content with what life had given her...and, that, despite the masks she had to wear in the relationship, any love returned was better than no love at all. Or love that was a lie.  
  
Deep down, Tomoyo knew that Meiling was too broken up to ever leave her, and that connection the two shared made her feel comfortable...and safe. She would not be abandoned again.  
  
Tomoyo couldn't deny that when she was with her lover, she would imagine Sakura in her place. Likewise, she couldn't help but giggle at the thought of Meiling imagining her as Syaoran. It was an unspoken rule that they could never totally give their hearts to one another...but, that through being together, they could ease the pain they both shared.  
  
The nights Meiling was a little rough with her, she did not complain. She didn't want to be left alone again...and, most of all, she didn't want to fall in love with Sakura again. Anything was better than that pain.  
  
This is not how I want it to end  
  
and I'll never be open again  
  
There's no one to take my blame  
  
if they wanted to  
  
Nothing to keep me sane  
  
and its all the same to you  
  
There's nowhere to set my aim  
  
so I'm everywhere  
  
Never come near me again  
  
do you really think I need you  
  
The phone rang once more. Tomoyo took a deep breath and, sighing, picked the phone up and hurried out of the bedroom. "Yes?"  
  
"Tomoyo..." Sakura's voice trembled, "he...he's gone."  
  
"Why?" Tomoyo's word was cold as ice.  
  
"I...I don't know! I did everything he asked me to...I loved him so much, Tomoyo!"  
  
Tomoyo's eyes narrowed, halting a single tear on her cheek. "He was never meant for you, Sakura-chan."  
  
"Hoe?!" Sakura explained, suddenly surprised.  
  
"His spirit and yours do not match. I cannot help but blame myself at least partly for that. I am sorry for the pain you're feeling, Sakura-chan."  
  
"Don't...match? Tomoyo-chan, what do you mean? Why...why do you blame yourself?" Sakura sniffed. Why was her best friend talking this way?  
  
"Sakura...you will not be happy until you find what it is you really want." Tomoyo stated firmly, voice unaffected by the emotion she felt.  
  
"What I...really want?" Sakura sighed into the phone. "Tomoyo-chan, I don't understand."  
  
"You never do." Tomoyo replied bitterly.  
  
"To...Tomoyo..." Sakura gasped, before beginning to cry again.  
  
In a fit of rage, Tomoyo flung the phone clear across the room, and watched as it smashed into pieces against the far wall. She screamed, screamed so long and loud that her voice became hoarse.  
  
Curling into a little ball on the floor, Tomoyo softly cried. "I don't want you...but I need you."  
  
And I'll smile and I'll learn to pretend  
  
And I'll never be open again  
  
And I'll have no more dreams to defend  
  
And I'll never be open again  
  
Meiling stumbled groggily into the kitchen, awoken by the sweet scent of scrambled eggs. She caught Tomoyo's eye. "Morning, Tomo...how long have you been up?"  
  
Tomoyo smiled sweetly. "Oh, for a little while...I just wanted to clean up a bit, in case we have company." Dishing out the eggs onto a plate, she brought them over to Meiling.  
  
"Thanks..." Meiling offered as she began to eat quickly, not waiting for Tomoyo.  
  
Tomoyo leaned over and kissed her hair softly. "No, thank you..."  
  
Just then, the doorbell rang. Meiling almost choked on her eggs.  
  
"You just wait right here, dear. I'll go see who it is!" Tomoyo added, plastering the pretend smile on her face.  
  
Tomoyo stepped gracefully through the living room, to the front door. Pressing the intercom button, she spoke softly, with a slightly raspy voice, into the speaker, "Yes?"  
  
There was a pause for several seconds, before a timid voice replied, "To-Tomoyo-chan?"  
  
Tomoyo's heart flashed darkly for a brief moment, before being melted almost instantly. She couldn't get rid of the girl. Not that that even mattered any more. She'd long been resigned to her fate. Her life of pretending. Of never being open. Of never quite getting what she wanted, but having to be satisfied with what others wanted. That was her life...  
  
"Ohayo gozaimasu, Sakura-chan!" Tomoyo chirped sweetly. "Would you like some breakfast?" 


End file.
